| Previous page: 26 |  Current page: 27 |
Next Page: 28 |
For the truth is that our minds detest all the things that have accompanied our sorrows and love all those that have accompanied our joys. So we find that a lover sometimes rejoices to look at a window, even though it is shuttered, because it was there that he once was favored by the sight of his lady; and similarly he rejoices to see a ring or a letter, a garden or some other place, or anything whatever that may seem to him to have been a conscious witness of his pleasures.
On the other hand, often the most ornate and beautiful room will be obnoxious to one who has been held a prisoner or suffered some other unhappiness there. And I have known people to refuse ever to drink again from a cup used for their medicines when they were ill. To one man, a window or a ring or a letter provides the joyful memory that gives him so much pleasure and seems therefore to have been part of his enjoyment; to another, in the same way, the room or the cup seems to bring back the memory of his captivity or his sickness.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
If she left abruptly, that is, if you were not able to see the myriad warnings that were posted like flashing neon signs around your life for the last few months or years, you will first go into shock. This is a good time to get some friends to take physical care of you.
Shock, denial and the sickening sense of loss may last for as long as two or three months, but the worst of it should be over within a few weeks.
Your home is no longer a comfortable place. It's empty. You feel that wherever she is, is where your home actually is. Do not sell your house or move out of your apartment. It will come in handy later, when you've got some perspective on things.
A breakup is a form of spiritual death, and you are in mourning.
You are going to have some violent mood swings. At one moment, you might even be glad of your new-found freedom. At the next, you may be consumed by black despair. You will of course feel relief at the resolution of the tension that probably dominated the relationship for quite some time. You may mistake the absence of pain for pleasure, but this will not be so. However, take heart: no one emotion is going to last long, so keep a weather eye out and ride it through.
You're going to review the entire history of the relationship, trying futility to figure out what went wrong. You probably will not succeed, but the effort will keep you profitably busy. Once you've got things more-or-less straight, you can put this internal dialogue aside and move on.
It wasn't necessarily your fault.
She is not your enemy. She did not do this to hurt you.
If you left her, this is what she's going through.
A lot more things are in the hands of the Fates than you might like to believe.
Love is not enough.
You cannot control your heart, nor she hers.
You cannot control her heart, nor she yours.
The failure of a love affair is not necessarily anyone's fault.
There's not necessarily anything, right or wrong, to be done.
Nothing lasts forever.
. . . very often it is not within our power to decide not to love . . .
-- The Courtier, Book Three
Love must be given freely, and it can be taken back without your permission, and it can be given to someone else even if you don't like it.
Love must be given freely, and it can be taken back without her permission, and it can be given to someone else even if she doesn't like it.
When the love affair ends, behave like a gentleman.
Spend as little time alone as possible.
Seek the company of friends.
The depth of pain caused by the loss of love is at times insupportable by one person. That is why you need friends. Friends convince the inner self that you are not cast out and alone. Without the love of friends, a vital part of the inner self would die.
Listen to what your friends say.
Do not lean too heavily on any one friend.
Do not drink too much alcohol. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. It will twist a feeling of sorrow and depression into one of suicidal despair. Do not drink alone.
A good, solid drunk is appropriate and therapeutic. In fact, you may need several good, solid drunks over the course of the next few months. Just don't do it to excess (this is relative) or alone. Lock up the firearms, give your car keys to a trusted friend, and let 'er rip. Take vitamin B and drink lots of water.
Do not become dependent on anti-depressants.
Do not combine anti-depressants with alcohol. This will kill you.
Get plenty of exercise. Part of your physical pain and many of the sensations of despair, anguish and a broken heart, are actually withdrawal from the pleasant physical chemicals generated by love. You can temporarily replace these chemicals with endorphins. The endorphins you generate through exercise mimic the ones you've lost. Though not by any means happy, you will be calmer. Plus, you will look a hell of a lot better, which will come in handy when you finally decide to cast around for a new woman to share your life.
In addition to those vital endorphins, non-cerebral, repetitive activity such as running or weightlifting increases the release of serotonin, which helps reduce the symptoms of depression and obsessive-compulsive behavior. Serotonin also promotes a healthy introspection and withdrawal from the hurly-burly of the world which, when you're not in good emotional condition, can be a little too much, sometimes.
Keep busy.
Drink lots of water.
Take vitamins.
Keep your diet about the same. Eat even if you're not hungry. By the same measure, do not fill the void with food. If you're gaining or losing more than a few pounds a week, seek medical assistance.
Rapid, excessive weight loss is normal. Spurred by your extreme mental misery, starvation induces an endorphin release, which makes you feel better. If you start fainting, consult a physician.
Get enough sleep. Do not take sleeping pills if you can't sleep.
This is not the time to quit smoking or rid yourself of other bad habits.
Pay attention to your appearance.
|
|
|
|
|
|||||||||||
| Previous Article | This Article | Next Article |
| Back To Listings |