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If you feel that you have grown cool to her, it's time to talk. You have two obligations toward her, in direct proportion to the length of the relationship: first, you have to tell her what's going on. Second, you have to give her a chance to win your affection back.
When a relationship has grown cool, you are primed to enter a new one. It can take you by surprise. If you find that you are falling in love with someone else, you have an obligation to give your lover a chance to win you back. She's put a lot into you, and you can't just walk out on it. Remember at all times that an infatuation with another may very well cool remarkably once impediments are removed. Behave decently, and give your old lover a chance, and be honest as much as you can be. Once your passions are slaked, you may see things in quite a different light.
Do not rely on osmosis or psychic communication. It is not fair to expect her to know what's going on by guessing, vague hints or your altered behavior. People do not see what they do not want to see. She doesn't want to see your affection being transferred to another, so she won't. Denial, as the saying goes, is not just a river in Egypt.
When you have to tell her good-bye, be as gentle and kind as possible. If you have behaved properly, she will know what's coming and be ready for it. It is a great injustice to hit her with the news all unprepared. If it comes to her as a genuine surprise, she will be badly, permanently damaged. There is no excuse for this.
Burn no bridges.
People change. Change is not necessarily bad. If love is to last, you must change together, not grow apart. If the changes seem troubling or dangerous, talk about it. If that does not seem to be working, seek competent, professional counseling.
If you think that she should change in some way, try to change in that way yourself, and perhaps she will follow your example. Do not demand change; it doesn't work that way. Remember, you could be mistaken. It may be you who needs to change.
If you feel that she has grown cool toward you, it may be you who needs warming up.
If you feel that she needs professional psychological help, you need it. You may both need it. If she doesn't want it, do it yourself. Perhaps she will follow.
Job conflict can destroy a relationship. If her job is jeopardized by the love affair, the love affair will suffer or go sour. Seek professional help.
If she is a professional who puts in long hours under exciting, demanding circumstances, her world of work will become more real than her home. Home and lover will become illusory, and her relationships at work will supplant them. Seek competent, professional counseling.
As a woman becomes financially independent, she will become emotionally independent, as well, especially if she feels that there is conflict between work and home. Seek competent, professional counseling.
If you're gone somewhere without her, write letters, send postcards.
Out of sight, out of mind. Frequent or prolonged physical separation is dangerous. Separate vacations may be appropriate, but remember that there is no "500 Mile Rule."
Travel without your lover is boring and hurts the affair. Take her along if at all possible.
Do not prevent her from doing something simply because you don't want to, or cannot, do it.
If there is a considerable difference in your ages, sooner or later one of you will grow up and change, while the other will be left behind. Before this happens, you must seek competent, professional counseling for the both of you. If she doesn't want it, do it yourself. Perhaps she will follow. Even if she doesn't, when she leaves you or you leave her, you will be all set up with the therapist.
Men are looking for women who display fertility, youth and health. Since these are attributes of young women, men tend to seek young women over older women, regardless of their own age.
If there's one thing that really displeases older women, it is to see a man of their own age with a woman who's secret of youth and beauty is that she's just graduated from high school. Do not rub their noses in it. This will make you some serious enemies.
Women are not as concerned with a man's age as men are with a woman's age. Older men may be more dependable, more fatherly, better situated socially and economically, and more tolerant and experienced. An older man is, if nothing else, a survivor.
Everybody goes through it.
The mid-life crisis is especially severe for men and women who denied or were deprived of their adolescence, when they should have been doing all the things they didn't do.
People go through a number of broad phases. Teens are a time of adventure and risk-taking. Twenties are a time of expansion and exploration. Thirties are a time of restlessness and self-evaluation. Forties are a time of regret, fence-mending and reconciliation. Fifties are a time of calming down, acceptance and preparation for the responsibilities of maturity. Old age is the time of vigorous consolidation, socially conscious activity, and eventual contentment.
Collaborative relationships tend to break down upon the completion of the project. The collaborative relationship can be creative, or more general, such as one in which children are being raised or careers are being built. When a major breakthrough or reorganization is consolidated or accomplished, the reason for the collaboration may disappear, and the partners break up to form new teams or go out on their own. This may not be to the liking of both partners, and in general one gets left behind. One partner may devote a disproportionate amount of pick-and-shovel work to the collaboration, and the other gets a disproportionate share of the reward. The commonest example is of the wife who works for years to put her husband through medical school and when he finally becomes a doctor, he leaves her for the nurse.
When a woman has completed one significant part of her life, such as childbearing or moving into a true career from a series of insignificant jobs, she will also be ready to change her entire life. This is the point at which she may succumb to a physical love affair, leave her family and strike out on her own. Though the emotional, physical and economic damage may be severe, she will do it regardless. The ordinary time for this is her early to mid-thirties.
Reacting to a husband grown cold and indifferent, and feeling that menopause is upon them, women in their early to mid-forties may actively seek out sexual affairs, though generally they do not want to end their marriages. If this happens, ignore it if possible. Seek couples counseling.
. . . I hold this for certain: that in each one of us there is some seed of folly which, once it is stirred, can grow indefinitely.
-- The Courtier, Book One
When a man has completed one significant part of his life, such as fathering children and becoming established in his trade or profession, he may also be ready to change his life. He will feel the need for physical affirmation. This is the point at which he may succumb to a physical infatuation, generally with a much younger woman. He will leave his family and make a fool of himself. Though the emotional, physical and economic damage may be severe, he will do it regardless. The ordinary time for this is his early to mid-forties.
If the relationship is relatively long-standing, and has children or some other significant cement, it may survive the mid-life crisis of one or both parties.
The longer a relationship has been going on, the better chance of survival it has.
The better you behave during the crisis, the more likely you will have a relationship to return to.
It's never too late to try and fix things between you.
Where there is love, there is forgiveness.
No long-term relationship can avoid at least one major disaster. If the relationship can be revived and begin anew, it will take on a better, stronger and more vital nature.
Reconciliation will not occur just because one of you wants it.
If you feel that there is a chance of reconciliation, make sure that she knows you still love her, but do not pursue her aggressively. You will only frighten her away.
If she cannot let go of the relationship, be kind but very firm. Do not allow her to develop false hopes. Do not keep her in doubt. Do not trifle with her affections.
If you cannot let go of the relationship, understand that she is kindest when she makes it clear that she no longer loves you. Do not allow yourself to develop false hopes. Give it up. Take care of yourself.
When women transfer their affections, it is absolute. Winning her back is a lot harder than keeping her.
If you find that you have made a mistake in leaving her, you must begin the courtship anew, as if with a new woman.
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