The Lover  (Contd.)

Straying

I also believe that the bond of friendship should not involve more than two people, for otherwise it could perhaps be dangerous. The reason for this is that, as you know, harmony is more difficult to achieve with several instruments than with two.

-- The Courtier, Book Two

No matter what else is going on, people are inevitably sexually attracted to other people. Within limits, this should be ignored and tolerated.

Here are the basics: men object to women's infidelity because they are never really sure that their children are theirs. There's no way of telling. Multiple partners and fathers are, however, advantageous to the race as a whole, optimizing and mix-and-matching genetic material. Men have the ability to reproduce themselves countless times with multiple partners, and have a genetic mandate to do so.

This involves getting as many women pregnant as they can. Recognizing the incredible trouble that this makes, women have evolved a number of strategems for preventing men from knowing that children may not be their own. Disguised periods of fertility, permanent sexual receptiveness, permanently enlarged breasts--all these prevent men from knowing who the real father is.

This means that men are not going to kill children, or at least neglect them, if there is a chance that those children may be their own. Women's clothing and makeup are further disguises, making them look receptive, sexually satisfied, pregnant or nursing even when they aren't. All this, of course, serves primarily to keep men off their feet and permanently confused. (For an interesting discussion of this, and related topics I direct the reader to "Why is Sex Fun? The Evolution of Human Sexuality," by Jared Diamond, Basic Books, 1997.)

Women, too, have a genetic mandate toward promiscuity. If they can become pregnant with the children of multiple fathers, whilst simultaneously keeping the care and protection of one main man, they may well be inclined to do so. The many confusing disguises they have evolved to keep men in the dark about paternity, pregnancy and sexual receptiveness aid and foster women's ability to carry on more than one sexual affair with at least one of the men remaining none the wiser.

"The husband is always the last one to know," as the well-worn phrase has it, and it contains more truth than fancy. Just because one man is a good provider does not mean that he carries the best genetic material. So it may be that the more secure the woman is in her material life, the more inclined she may be to go shopping around for better--or at least different--genetic material.

Women do not have the same problem as men. They know who the mother is, and generally who the father is, as well. Women have a different problem: women have a comparatively limited ability to contribute to the gene pool. Having a child demands a big investment of time and energy, and even the most fertile may have only a few. Once they have a kid, they need support and some sort of guarantee that the guy is going to stick around.

Their problem, therefore, is to keep him from straying, littering the planet with his offspring and then walking out. As a woman ages, her potential for having children declines, leading the man to look elsewhere for the means to satisfy his genetic mandate. This means that men tend to leave their wives after the children are capable of getting along on their own, and seeking a new, young wife with whom he can continue to generate half-copies of himself.

So, men try to keep women from straying because they want to be sure that all their kids look like them. Women try to keep men from straying because they need support and protection for both themselves and their children.

Fidelity is a balancing act between conflicting desires, genetic mandates and cultural traditions: women want multiple fathers for their offspring, but stay faithful out of fear and self-preservation.

Men want multiple mothers for their children, but stay faithful because they are afraid of other men. Needless to say, no matter how desirable for the individual, this business of fidelity is honored more in the breach than in the observance, and both men and women stray often and disastrously.

But tell me why it is not made the rule that men may be condemned for a dissolute way of life as much as women, seeing that if they are naturally of higher worth and virtue, they can all the more easily practice the virtue of continence; and then doubts about one's children would be neither greater nor less.

For even if women were unchaste, if the men stayed pure and did not give in to the unchastity of women, they could not produce offspring all on their own. But if you wish to be truthful, you must also recognize that we have granted ourselves the license by which we want the same sins that are trivial and sometimes even praiseworthy when committed by men to be so damnable in women that they cannot be punished enough, save by a shameful death or at least everlasting infamy.

-- The Courtier, Book Three

Because there is more of an incentive for women to remain faithful--they need the support and protection of a man who will only grant it if he believes that she is faithful to him--and less of an incentive for men to remain faithful to women--he has a genetic mandate to have as many children by as many women as possible--there has evolved in all societies the thing we call the "double standard."

Our post-industrial society places less emphasis on fidelity because women are capable of taking care of themselves, and men are less likely to kill one another over women. Paternity is not such a big deal. Both sexes now have the ability to engage in relationships with multiple partners, though except for the "checking around" stage, most men and women prefer to be serially monogamous. When they get out of sync, and one partner is looking for a new relationship while the other has reason to remain committed, things get messy.

There is no such thing as an "open relationship."

Do not be sexually unfaithful.

There is a reason why pet names and affectionate nicknames were invented. No matter who you are or how much you love your lover, sooner or later you will be thinking of some other woman while talking to her and you will use the wrong name. It is a big-time unforgivable sin, and will open the floodgates of her jealousy. Flowers and other sincere tokens of affection will go a long way toward assuaging her anger and suspicion, but face it, things will be different between you from then on out. The most dangerous times for making this particular mistake are two: first, when entering a new love affair shortly after another has ended; second, when you are in fact emotionally or physically involved with another woman. If possible, use "darling," or "sweetheart," for the other woman, so as not to develop the habit of using two different names in similar moments of passion and intimacy.

If she calls you by the wrong name, especially in a moment of passion, you are in serious trouble. But, the best thing is to feign deafness and ignore it. She may not ever know she did it, which of course, makes things worse. But, if you bring it up and make a big deal out of it, it will only create a problem that might otherwise be avoided. Live with it. Women are as much attracted to greener grass as are men. Women fantasize as much as men do, often without any sincere intention of jumping the fence. This is one of those golden opportunities to keep your mouth shut that I mentioned earlier.

Do not be over-eager to accept rumor as fact. However, where there is smoke there may be fire, so take evil rumors as a sign that all may not be well with your relationship. Be circumspect and generous, but attend to the matter if it seems grave. At the very least, her reputation as well as yours is endangered.

Others, when they are excited to jealousy, are so carried away by grief that they heedlessly rush into making accusations against the man they suspect (sometimes when he is quite blameless) and even against the woman herself; and they insist that she should not speak to him or even look in his direction; and often this behavior not only offends the woman they love but causes her to love their rival.

-- The Courtier, Book Three

Do not accuse her of infidelity. If you have what you believe is absolute proof that she is straying sexually, do not be confrontive. It is important that this subject not be ignored, though you are stepping into a mine field when you bring it up. You cannot merely allow hints, allusions to the infidelity of others, pointed remarks about characters in films or any other oblique reference to do the job. You must be direct, but exceedingly careful, considerate and loving. Remember above all else: YOU COULD BE WRONG. Put as much blame on yourself as possible when you bring it up. For example, "I know that I haven't been making love to you the way I should, lately. I'm sorry I have to work so much and leave you alone so much of the time. Is there anything about our relationship that you feel could be improved? Is there anything important I should know?" Be as careful as if you were carrying a lighted candle in a powder magazine.

If you have strayed sexually, keep it to yourself.

Do not humiliate her with your sexual affairs. If you do so, she must leave you.

Do not allow her to humiliate you with her sexual affairs. If she does so, you must part.

If she suspects you of infidelity, but has no concrete proof, deny it. If the accusation is groundless in fact, consider what you may be doing to arouse her fears.

If she suspects you of infidelity, but has no concrete proof, deny it. If her accusation is true, break off the relationship with your illicit lover immediately. Do some serious fence-mending.

If she discovers your infidelity, do everything in your power to obtain forgiveness. Don't do it again. At this point, as a couple you must seek competent, professional counseling.

If she has committed a sexual indiscretion, ignore it if she is keeping it discrete. If your suspicions solidify into conviction, take a look around at the rest of the relationship. Is she giving serious warning signs that she is about to make a break? Does she act like she does not love you any longer? Or, is it just an itch that needs scratching. Hard to call these things, but I guarantee that if you act like a jealous, possessive jerk, you will lose her. Probably, the best thing to do is get the both of you into counseling.

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