The Lover  (Contd.)

The Spirit

For (since evil is the opposite of good and good of evil) the one must always sustain and reinforce the other, and if the one diminishes or increases, the other, as a necessary counter-force, must do the same. We all know that there would be no justice in the world if there were no wrongs; no magnanimity if no one were pusillanimous; no continence without incontinence; no health without sickness; no truth without falsehood; and no happiness without misfortune.

Thus Socrates is very right when he wonders, as Plato describes, why Aesop did not write a fable pretending that, since He had never been able to unite them, God had joined pain and pleasure end to end, so that the beginning of one should be the end of the other. For we find that we are never allowed pleasure without pain beforehand. And who can enjoy his rest unless he has felt the burden of fatigue? Who enjoys eating, drinking and sleeping unless he has first known hunger, thirst and sleeplessness?

I believe, therefore, that sickness and suffering were given to man by Nature, not chiefly to make him subject to them, since the source of every good would hardly inflict so many miseries on us deliberately, but because the health, happiness and other blessings of Nature were necessarily followed by sickness, suffering and other misfortunes. Thus when the world was favored by Nature with the gift of all the virtues, these were inevitably accompanied, because of the linking of opposites, by all the vices, and in consequence as the former grow or diminish so must the latter.

--The Courtier, Book Two

Remember the law of compensatory misery: if something really bad is going on in one part of your life, something proportionately good will go on in another part to make up for it. The reverse, I'm sorry to report, is also true. You can't fool the Fates. You can't create the bad thing intentionally: buying a French automobile, for example, will not prevent the Fates from trashing your life if they feel like it.

You have been presented by the Fates with what we call by the acronym "AFOG": Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth. Use the time given you to think about yourself, and how you may become a better man. It's the sand in the oyster that makes the pearl. You are not expected to like it, but you are expected to profit by it.

If you happen to read a great novel, or listen to a moving piece of music, or look at a painting that seems to leap off the wall into your breast, or hear a poem that reaches out and grabs your soul and shakes it the way a dog shakes a rat, you will be overwhelmed by one simple, universal truth: these artists, writers and musicians are men and women who suffered the agonies of the damned in order to be able to understand and communicate the human condition. As my beloved father has often said, when discussing those who are capable of making significant contributions to human understanding, "You've got to suffer." Well, Bucko, in order to join the fraternity, you've got to suffer, too. Take it as an inescapable necessity, roll with the punches, and consider yourself initiated.

Read self-help books. They sound silly until you need them, and then they can save your life. Fire extinguishers and insurance aren't handy until you have a fire, either. It may be appropriate to seek competent, professional counseling. Ask your friends, but stay away from jargon-spouters, feel-good practitioners, lunatics who make their problems into your problems, drug dispensers, and die-hard true believers. Generally, an older, dispassionate, much more experienced man will be of the greatest benefit.

You can die of a broken heart. Don't let anybody kid you on this. Be very careful. Excessive, rapid weight loss is a very dangerous sign. Shunning the company of others is a dangerous sign. Too much drugs, alcohol or a combination is a very dangerous sign. Listen to your friends.

If panic attacks become insupportable, consult a physician.

The sappiest things can set you off without warning. Keep yourself under control while in public. If you feel an attack of sorrow coming on, try not to inflict it on others, it will only alarm them.

Do not listen to music with lyrics. They're all talking to you.

Do not go to romantic or sad movies. They're all about you.

Do not read novels. You are the central subject of the most basic plots.

Do some good deeds. Give blood, take food to old folks.

Find some kindly, generous woman who likes birds with broken wings and let her help heal your spirit. You will have no trouble doing this. A hurting man leaves a scent like blood in the water. Take great care that she understands your condition, and that she is under no false impressions concerning the relationship between you.

Watch out for women who are attracted to you in the first months after your previous relationship has failed. They are looking for two things: a man who is sexually wounded and, in some deep way, not a threat; and simultaneously they are looking for a man who is terribly dangerous, who might take out his anger and pain on them as symbolic of all womankind. These women are probably not a good thing for you to be around, but I don't expect you to take my advice, so just be careful.

Do not revenge yourself on womankind because one of their number did you wrong. This just spreads the pain around without diluting it. See the section on venereally transmitted diseases.

Do not succumb to despair.

Do not let anger get the better of you.

Never say never.

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