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Women have a thousand faults Men have only two: Everything they say, Everything they do.
-- Folk Saying
Things are never just fine.
Silence is dangerous.
If a matter of principle interferes with your relationship, there's something wrong with your principles.
When she's mad at you and you don't know why, it's for at least two reasons: the immediate reason, which she will eventually get around to telling you, and the real reason, which she will not tell you in context. The real reason may come out sooner or later, but generally only when it's too late. Beneath the real reason lies the really real reason, which is generally speaking something awful that somebody else did to her a long time ago and which you are evoking. There's no way you can avoid constantly doing this. Just do your best.
If you actually can figure out what kinds of things upset her, try not to do them. Of course, you are in the position of Mark Twain's cat, which having set on a hot stove will never set on a hot stove again, nor will it ever set on a cold stove. You always learn the wrong lesson. There are myriad ways of committing the same mistake, and you will do all of them, or die, or she will leave you first. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
For sometimes people are inept in ways that are not quite so obvious, and the mistakes they make are not all of the same kind. . . . Often these mistakes are veiled in such a way that the one who makes them, unless he watches out very carefully, fails to perceive what is happening.
-- The Courtier, Book Two
Men are clumsy oafs who trample on the delicate sensibilities of women ten times a day without any idea that they're doing it. Women are extremely sensitive to slights, insults, neglect and hurt, and it is this very sensitivity which makes them so different from men. You can't help it. You're constantly fucking up. Try as hard as you can to make her feel better about you despite your incredible insensitivity. The best you can do is try, and the best you will get for trying as hard as you can is an "A" for effort. If she loves you, she will overlook the "F" that your behavior actually merits. If she does not love you, you will get an "F" for effort and a failing grade in conduct on top of it.
However--forgiveness or no forgiveness, and I'm not entirely sure that women ever really, truly forgive anything--you should be aware that she forgets nothing, and though she may tolerate your ineptitude, she is steadily storing it up in memory's trove, to someday, often without warning, bring it all up against you in a rush. At some mysterious juncture she will no longer be able to take it anymore, and will inexorably begin to fall out of love with you as mysteriously as she fell in. I know of no exceptions to this. The only variable is time.
All his faults observ'd, set in a notebook, learn'd, and conn'd by rote.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, IV, iii, 96
From the man's side of the relationship, this may seem like a setup. But, oddly enough, women don't look at it that way. They look at it as accepting the inevitable, preparing for it and preserving themselves in spite of it. I call it a self-fulfilling prophesy. And I quote, directly from a woman asked about this precise thing:
"There's an imaginary line that women mark in the ground with their toe at the beginning of a relationship. Men start out a few feet away and start dancing toward it immediately. Soon, they're so close they're dancing all around it. They want to see how the ground feels on the wrong side of that line. Women make notes of the number of times their man dances across--the tally marks increase. Finally, men like the feel of that ground so much they decide to stay there and suffer the consequences. You guys must enjoy those consequences! And men don't really want to butt heads with the truth, because every time I give a man these blatant bits of insight he tend to ignore them.
"When a man enters into a serious relationship with a woman, he invariably misses the fine print on the contract. This man must also posses (or promise to acquire) the power of divination. A woman is either unable or unwilling to tell her man of her dysfunctional attributes. It makes her feel weak and therefore uncomfortable. She wants you to observe her, watch her reactions (the more subtle ones reveal the most). You must then, in a non-threatening way, help her give voice to her fears. But the therapist role that she wants you to assume doesn't work because you're floundering, too. A woman assumes that a man's stoic silence stems from confidence. In reality, the silence means only that he hasn't a clue."
Try and figure out where the invisible, secret line is and try not to go over it too often. Good luck, Buddy.
Women are hand-grenades with the pin pulled, and sooner or later you're going to do something that sets them off. The trick is to stave the explosion off as long as possible. But, you can't put it off forever. Nobody gets out of here alive.
Do not expect Jack Daniel's to solve your problems.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
--Ogden Nash, "A Word to Husbands,"
Everyone but Thee and Me, 1962
Laugh it off. A sense of humor covers a multitude of sins.
Don't take things too seriously. Often, if no offense is taken, the offense itself disappears. Often, no offense was meant in the first place. But, you sure can make a molehill into a mountain with a little tactless anger.
Turn the other cheek.
Be slow to take offense and quick to forgive.
Measure twice, cut once. Say nothing in haste or anger. Control your temper. Petty anger is unmanly.
Do not get upset over trifles.
Never try to get even.
Never nurse a grudge.
Do not keep score.
Do not speak harshly to her.
Never pursue a quarrel in public.
Never use the presence of others to allow you a cover to say unkind things, quarrel, or humiliate her.
Never attack when she can't strike back.
If she says unkind things to you in the presence of others, do not retaliate.
If you notice a pattern to her irritability, there may be a number of causes. First, of course, the pattern may be yours and not hers at all. Many people are just fine unless they're low on blood sugar, and then they become cranky. The first thing in the morning is just such a time, as is mid-afternoon, especially if there has been no time for lunch and breakfast was skimpy. If either you or she exhibits a regular pattern of crankiness take a look at the last time either of you had something substantial to eat. If she is on a diet, this may cause her to be low on blood sugar all the time. Watch your step and be forgiving, don't make mountains out of molehills and never pass up a golden opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
Some women find fighting sexually exciting. Quarreling, kissing and making up is often a way of refreshing a passion that may have cooled a bit. If you can't handle this, you've probably got the wrong woman.
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