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Sex is basic. Everything in a relationship revolves around sex. But it's more complicated than you will ever know. Don't ever, ever think that you know what's actually happening in your bedroom.
The two of you absolutely must be sexually compatible. This is not as easy to figure out as you may think. People's sex drives differ radically, and are different at different times of their lives. People's sexuality can be dramatically different with different people. A woman who has lived for years in a ho-hum sexual relationship can all of a sudden discover a passionate side to her that she cannot find with her long-time mate. A woman can leave a passionate, expert lover for a man who does not have much sex drive at all. Basically, for a long time, she'll try to be whatever she thinks you want her to be. But if it's not what she really is, or becomes, or changes from, she will no longer be happy with any part of the relationship.
Broadly speaking, people have higher or lower sex drives. A person with a strong sex drive--which means that they are to some extent defined by their sexuality--will have a lot of trouble getting along with a person who's sex drive is significantly lower. Though the person with the lower libido--especially if it's the woman--may do her damnedest to be what the man wants, or seems to want, eventually this constant pressure will badly damage the relationship.
Try--though this is asking an awful lot--to discover which you are and which she is. The biggest mistake in this area is confusing physical beauty and allure with what may be going on psychologically and emotionally as far as sex is concerned. Just because she has a body like Gina Lollabrigita and a face like the Mona Lisa doesn't mean she's a sexpot. In fact, a beautiful woman with a knock-out body may find her exterior an annoying piece of false advertising. Do not confuse the outside with the inside. A Plain Jane can be a tiger who turns you every which-way but loose, while Miss America might be a woman who can take it or leave it.
Women's outsides say, "sex" to men. They use this to get you and to hold you, and they don't want to share you with other women, so they'll keep it up. However, a woman doesn't always want to be a sex object, and if you always treat her like one, especially to the exclusion of her inner self, she will hate it. If her body and sexuality are all she is seen to have to offer, she will go crazy and kill you with a kitchen knife. Once again, no jury in the land, if it has even one single woman on it, will send her to the chair. Look at what happened to Lorena Bobbitt: she cut off her sleeping husband's penis and threw it into a vacant lot; offered the defense that she succumbed to an irresistible impulse because he used her as a sexual appliance and did not satisfy her sexually; was found guilty and received 45 days in a psychiatric ward. Now she's out running around loose again. Take a hint.
Good sex is essential, but not sufficient. A sexually satisfied woman will overlook a lot of other faults, but it only goes so far. Sex is not a substitute for anything.
Good sex takes up 10 percent of your thoughts. Bad sex takes up 90 percent of your thoughts.
Be sexually considerate. Actively appreciate her efforts to please you. Make sure she is sexually satisfied.
Do not insist upon sexual relations if she is tired or reluctant.
Respect her sexual boundaries, but do not become stodgy or unadventuresome. What may have been too much at one point may suit just fine at a later date. Listen carefully for hints.
Never reject or disparage a sexual overture or an attempt on her part at something new.
Listen carefully for hints.
Remember this simple rule: you learned everything you know about sex, which is fortunately a great deal, out of books.
Continually, sincerely and inventively praise her appearance, face, body, sexual allure, sexual nature, efforts to please you, sounds she makes, and every single aspect of her lovemaking. You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Show her with sounds, words and actions that she is totally satisfying to you sexually. Make her feel like the world's best lover, and she'll do the same for you.
Ask her what she likes sexually. If she can't tell you in words, take every hint. Try do draw her out. Suggest things yourself. Remember that women have been brought up to be non-demanding, especially sexually.
Do not fall into a routine. Create variety. Keep sex fun. It is not a chore.
Don't get too weird.
If sex becomes dull, routine or unexciting, it is not her fault.
Women quite correctly believe that men are terrified of commitment. They'll hint, but say nothing directly for fear of frightening you off. Nonetheless, if you don't make a firm commitment within the appropriate window, she will start looking elsewhere for a man who will.
The engagement ring should be appropriate to your income. Too big is vulgar, but it shouldn't come with its own magnifying glass, either. The old rule was a month's wages, which is pretty serious. Forget that "two month's salary" crap. It's a venal ploy of the diamond industry.
Once you propose, believe it or not, you're actually going to have to get married. However, from the proposal on out, you're on rails. She and her friends and her mother will take over your life.
Ask her to make the wedding date. Do not make it yourself. Things will be going on that you have no understanding of.
She's in charge of everything. Do what she says. Actually, her mother is in charge, but that's not your problem, thank God. For most women, the wedding day is the most important, stressful day of their lives. You are necessary, but aside from actually showing up sober and appropriately dressed, functionless.
Ask her carefully before inviting anyone. Do not encourage former lovers to attend the wedding. Former wives are definitely out. This is her day, not yours.
Do not do anything disgraceful, or allow your friends to do anything disgraceful, at your bachelor party. Do nothing that she shouldn't be able to hear about with comfort. Keep it in relatively good taste.
The father of the bride is responsible for the expenses of the wedding.
The groom is responsible for the expenses of the rehearsal dinner.
If you can get through the wedding, you can get through the marriage. Be patient. Be tolerant. Keep your sense of humor.
Remain sober. You have things to do that night.
Wear a wedding ring. If you don't, she'll believe that you don't want other women to think of you as married, with all that implies.
She doesn't have to take your name. The symbolic submergence of the self which occurs when a woman discards her father's name and takes her husband's appeals to some women but not all. She is not your property. She does not have to obey you. If she has an established professional life, it would be harmful to her to lose the identity created through her birth name. She may wish to be "Mrs." under some circumstances and "Ms." under others. It's her name, not yours. Honor and support her choice. She's not rejecting you by keeping her own name, she's preserving her identity.
Don't forget the morning gift. Something really nice, really romantic and pretty expensive would be about right. Try jewelry. The morning gift is a big-time indication that her symbolic surrender of virginity is valued greatly.
A honeymoon is important. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just remember that she's exhausted and needs a rest. Stay away from anything with lots of enforced, planned activities.
"Familiarity breeds contempt--and children." Mark Twain, Notebook
Women are designed to have babies. A moment's inattention, a passionate forgetfulness, and Mother Nature will take over.
Pregnancy and children are sometimes a woman's way to save, patch up or cement a failing relationship. If the relationship is in trouble, be careful.
If she wants babies, she'll have babies. If you really don't want to become a father, get a vasectomy.
If you want babies and she is ambivalent, don't try to pressure her into it. Children stay after a marriage is gone.
If she becomes pregnant, and the both of you agree that you do not want a child, be supportive beyond anything that seems reasonable when she gets the abortion. Furthermore, be very careful that she does not unconsciously seek to become pregnant again.
If she becomes pregnant, and she wants to have an abortion, it's none of your business.
If she becomes pregnant, and wants the child, and you don't want a child, you're in trouble. It is probably a good idea to insist on an abortion, but it will also mean dreadful things for the relationship. But, better that than a lifetime's unwanted responsibility and a woman whom you will dislike and resent hanging around your neck like an albatross. Remember, however, that she unless her name is Mary Mother of God, she did not get pregnant by some sort of miracle. It was your responsibility to prevent an unwanted pregnancy in the first place, and if you dropped the ball, you may wish to examine your true feelings about becoming a father. Maybe you'll like it.
Remember also, that if she does not want an abortion, she does not have to get one, no matter how you may feel about it. In this case, you have two unpleasant options: you can own up to the responsibility you accepted when you made love to her and did not take appropriate precautions; or, you can take it on the lam and swell the single mother statistics. The latter is, to say the least, cowardly and despicable.
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