The Lover  (Contd.)

Former Lovers

Particularly at the beginning of a relationship, women are curious about your former love life. Be truthful, straightforward and brief. Make sure that she hears about your past love life from you before some one else tells her. Failure to do so will be viewed as keeping secrets rather than discretion. Do not bring any of this up yourself again unless it is absolutely essential.

You have a past, and so does she. Do not insinuate former lovers into the present relationship. Do not try to make everybody be friends.

If she wishes to continue former relationships on some level, do not interfere, and be gracious about it.

Don't ask her about her former love life. If she brings it up, listen sympathetically, but do not reintroduce the subject yourself.

Do not give her things that belonged to a former lover. In fact, erase all traces of former lovers. Children, of course, are an exception.

Do not continue relationships with former lovers. Do not give them gifts. If it is necessary to continue former relationships, make sure she knows and make sure she understands that it is not romantic. Even then, you've got troubles.

Jealousy

Do not arouse her jealousy. If it can't be avoided, try to mitigate it. Bend over backward. This may be the most important caveat of all.

If she cannot attend an event, and it seems appropriate that you be accompanied by a woman, get her okay in advance. What I mean is, ask her permission. If you have a maiden aunt, cousin, sister or niece this is the best first choice for an escort. It is not at all a good idea to ask that cute little secretary who's been making eyes at you. You know very well that your motives are not pure, and so does the cute secretary and so does your lover. Don't mess around or even seem to mess around. It is better to go stag and screw up the seating than to plant the seeds of jealousy in your lover's breast. If nothing else, you will have given yourself a little slack on some other mistake.

Men are such incredible egoists that they cannot imagine their lover even becoming interested in any other man. They're proud of their lover's appearance, and want her to show it off so that all the world can envy them their good fortune. If other men desire her, so much the better. It validates their own masculinity. A beautiful woman is, in a real sense, an adornment. By her mere appearance, she tells the world that you are worthy of a beautiful woman. Therefore, the more alluring a woman is in the eyes of others, and the more desirable others find her, the better men like it.

Women are not like this. Because she loves you, she believes that every other woman is attracted to you, too. There are just enough occasions in everyone's life to justify this attitude. Men are supremely unconscious of giving offense in this area.

Indeed, it seems to be the case that merely because one woman sees virtue in you, many others, who may otherwise have seen nothing noteworthy in your character or appearance, all at once find that you are much more interesting.

Whenever you allow another woman to display an interest in you, and in any way reciprocate or encourage it, you will arouse your lover's territorial instincts. It's one thing to give someone a ride home. It's another to take her to dinner on the way. Your lover's belief in your fidelity will be stretched beyond the breaking point if you insist on your innocence.

Do not behave jealously. But, women do like to see a little jealousy once in a while. Let her know that you have a territorial interest in her. Pick your ground and don't overdo it.

New Sets of Friends

Thus I should not like our courtiers to behave as do so many others who as soon as they put in an appearance, even in the presence of gentlemen who are strangers to them, immediately, hardly waiting to be asked, start showing off what they know, and often what they don't know, in such a way that it seems they have come along just for this purpose and that it is their main pursuit in life.

-- The Courtier, Book Two

Be gracious and diffident when she introduces you into her world. Do not try to make an impression. Hold back, keep your mouth shut and do not be confrontive. If new friendships grow, then you can be yourself.

If you don't like some of her friends, keep your mouth shut and be polite.

If she doesn't like some among your friends, try and find out why. They may have behaved badly, or remind her of someone who hurt her in the past. In any event, keep them out of her way if possible.

Be protective of her when you introduce her to your friends. Stick by her side.

It may be necessary to protect her from women of your acquaintance. This is particularly true if she is younger, prettier or better situated than they. Women can be vicious in ways that men cannot see. Be careful when introducing her into your world.

Stand up for her honor even in her absence. It will get back to her.

If you have enemies, make sure she knows about them. They will be her enemies, too.

If she has enemies, protect her from them.

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