The Lover  (Contd.)

General Good Advice

However, since perfection of this kind is hardly ever if at all to be found in human nature, the man who feels he is wanting in some particular ought not to become diffident or give up hope of achieving an excellent standard, even though he cannot reach the supreme perfection to which he aspires. For in every accomplishment there are many commendable grades besides the highest, and if a man aims at the top, he is nearly always certain of reaching at least half-way.

-- The Courtier, Book Two

Do your best.

Follow the Golden Rule.

Never pass up a golden opportunity to keep your mouth shut. You cannot unsay something unkind or thoughtless, but you can avoid saying it in the first place. Words once flown can ne'er be recalled.

Do not be quarrelsome. As Castiglione says of trivial contests, "The advantage of winning is very negligible and the disadvantages of being beaten very serious."

We must not speak ill of other men, nor of their doings: although it plainly appears that men do willingly lend an ear to hear it, as easily moved thereto by the nature of envy and malice. For at length men will eschew the acquaintance of slanderous people, as much as they shun the ox that gores with his horns or strikes with his feet, thinking that what they tell us of them, so will they tell them, of us.

Il Galateo

Gossip is unmanly. Do not discuss others after you have left their company, except in a kindly way. What you say about others in their absence will be an indication of how she will believe you talk about her when she is absent.

Do not be spiteful.

Do not whine or complain. Cultivate a cheerful manner.

Do not be a blowhard.

Do not be boastful.

Do not dwell on past glories. She'll think you've got nothing going on in the present.

If you say you're going to do something, do it.

Keep your promises.

But when all is said and done even all these qualities will not be enough to enable our courtier to win universal favor with lords, knights and ladies unless he has a gentle and agreeable manner in his day-to-day relationships. However, as far as this is concerned, I truly think that it is difficult to give any rule, because of the infinite variety of things that must be taken into account, seeing that there are no two people in the whole world who are of identical mind. Therefore whoever has to accommodate his behavior to dealings with a considerable number of people must be guided by his own judgment and, recognizing the differences between one man and another, must change his style and method from day to day, according to the nature of those with whom he wants to converse.

-- The Courtier, Book Two

Do not be inflexible.

Do not express envy.

Be generous in all things.

Do not play on her insecurities. If she is sensitive about an aspect of herself, find good things to say about it.

If she ask you how she looks, she is seeking reassurance. Give it to her.

Never disparage her in any way.

Be encouraging and supportive in all things.

Praise her both in private and public. Find praiseworthiness in even the smallest things.

Just because you've praised something once doesn't mean you shouldn't praise it again. Tell her every single time that she makes dinner for you that it's good. Tell her every single time that she makes herself beautiful for you that you think she's beautiful. Tell her every single time she's done some small task how well she's done it. Tell her every day that you value her.

A woman in love with you examines every single word you say. When you give praise, be specific. "That garlic-studded roast was the best I've ever eaten." "I love the way that dress brings out your eyes."

Do not say things the same way twice.

And as pleasant and gentle behaviors have the power to draw their hearts and minds to us, so contrariwise, gross and rude manners procure men to hate and despise us. Though the laws have enjoined no pain for unmannerly and gross behavior, as the fault is thought but light (and to say a truth, it is not great), yet we see notwithstanding that Nature herself punishes them with sharp correction, putting them beyond the company and favor of men.

And truly even as great and full faults do much harm, so do these light much hurt, or hurt at least more often. For, as men do commonly fear the beasts that are cruel and wild, and have no fear of the little ones, as the gnats and flies, yet by the continual nuisance they find by them, complain of them more of these than of the other. So it is that most men do hate the unmannerly and untaught as the wicked, and more.

And think not lightly of my talk, that these things be of little account: for even light blows may be so numerous that they may slay fast enough.

-- Il Galateo

It's the little things that count, and this cuts two ways: small irritants can add up to create intense resentment, and small kindnesses can add up to create great affection.

Keep on kissing. Long, lascivious kisses are more important than any amount of hurried sex.

Hugs, caresses and snuggles are more important on a daily basis than the occasional wild roll in the hay.

Never forget, neglect or diminish an important date, such as anniversary, birthday or day of personal importance to her.

Send random gifts, letters and flowers.

Create important days. If men exercised as much originality in this area as they do in sex, women would be a lot happier. Women create special days, places and things all the time, though men often do not notice. You don't have to notice them all--it would be impossible anyway--but if you occasionally mention things like, "Do you remember this corner? This is where we stood and talked for three hours before I walked you home." "There's the place we stayed together and your bicycle broke and it rained all the time and we made love all day and the bedsprings creaked and we scandalized the landlady." Just say things like that once in a while. Show her that your life is becoming a gallery of treasured memories of her.

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