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Women pair upward. What women want from a man is security, protection, resources and status. Give her someone to look up to in all ways.
Men pair across or downward. Status conflict can destroy a relationship. A relationship in which the woman is of higher status is unlikely to thrive. (That's what went wrong with Marilyn Monroe's marriage to Joe DiMaggio. They were good friends and remained so, but the marriage didn't have a chance as soon as Joe's career began a downward slide.)
A relationship in which both parties feel that they are of equal status has a good chance.
A relationship in which the man is of higher status will do well unless the woman becomes dissatisfied. If your status is higher, and if she is not content that her status is to some degree a function of yours, sooner or later you'll be in trouble.
A relationship in which each partner feel that he or she is of greater status in one area and lesser status in another may do just fine unless some part of it rankles one partner. This balance of differing social positions is probably the more normal situation. In her own environment, she may have a status that has nothing to do with you. When you're together, she may enjoy the social recognition of your status, but if hers is consistently neglected, she may develop a desire to get out from under your shadow.
If either you or she think of status as a function of money, you'd better make more than she does.
. . . Nature has implanted in everything a hidden seed which has a certain way of influencing and passing on its own essential characteristics to all that grows from it, making it similar to itself.
-- The Courtier, Book One
Her family background should be similar to yours. If you are a loner, without great family ties, so should she be. If you come from a close, loving family background, so should she. In general, watch out for a woman who gets on badly with her family. Watch out for a woman who has a dominating, repressive father. You will get blamed for it.
People both emulate and react against their parents. You don't know in advance which way they're going to go. Assume the worst.
Women turn into their mothers. If she has a bad relationship with her mother, or if her mother is not a good person, watch out. Men turn into their fathers. If there's something about your father that she is alarmed by, pay attention.
Women whose mothers did not love or want them grow up with the deep conviction that love is impossible. They tend to seek men who are obviously flawed, and whom they do not love. For these women, love is the opening of the self to hurt and rejection, pain and loss. Therefore, they form relationships with men whom they do not so much mind losing, as the certainty of loss will be both expected and bearable.
Such women tend, because they do not essentially trust anyone else, to be independent and self-reliant. If you form a romantic relationship with such a woman, it will flourish only in so far as you can offer dependable security in the form of sexual fidelity and economic strength. Should either be cast into question, you will lose her.
A man's first exposure to womankind, for good and ill, is his mother. We are both attracted to and frightened by that image, and it is within us all our lives long. In no small way, men seek the vital aspects of that first and ever-important woman in every woman of their lives. Men seek to marry their mothers.
A woman's first exposure to mankind, for good and ill, is her father. They are both attracted to and frightened by that image, and it is within them all their lives long. In no small way, women seek the vital aspects of that first and ever-important man in every man of their lives. Women seek to marry their fathers.
If you ask a selection of mature women what they think of their fathers, they will almost all tell you that their fathers were absent, remote, uncaring. That they either threw money at them instead of love or used money as a controlling weapon. That he was mean to her mother and liked her brother better than she. That they did not like their fathers and that they fear and mistrust men.
If you ever hear anybody say, "Oh, I really loved my Daddy, he was such a sweet man," you might wonder if he was in some significant way, at least in her eyes, a failure. Successful men, however defined, are assholes. It goes with the territory. If a woman says that she does not like her father, she might very well say in the next breath, "Oh, my grandfather was such a wonderful man."
An older man, a man who is no sexual threat, is the one that women will say was nice. All other men are threatening and dangerous and women basically fear and mistrust them. This is your starting place. Not very nice, is it. Sorry.
Women whose fathers in some important way abandoned them, will have as a major concern in their choice of romantic partners men whom they believe will stick by them physically, emotionally and financially. These women will seek out men who are obviously financially and emotionally secure, and who are often considerably older. These "father figures" are often teachers, or have occupied positions of authority and respect in the woman's life. Though they may be independent and self-reliant in particular aspects of their lives, they will deeply fear anything that smacks of abandonment. They seek stability, dependability and reliability. Provide it.
She's got to like your family to the degree that you like it, and they must accept and like her in the same measure.
When you meet her family, bend over backward to be polite and respectful no matter how much you are provoked. Her father may hate you and her mother may fall in love with you. Nothing personal. Stay out of harm's way if possible. Eat what you're given, praise it and ask for more. Drink if they drink, otherwise don't. Stay sober.
Remember above all things: this love affair is not happening in a vacuum. You are not just having a relationship with a woman. You are having a relationship with every man she's ever loved, hated or been to bed with; every novel she's ever read; every movie she's ever seen. But most of all, you're having a relationship with her relationship with her parents. You are going to bed with a veritable host.
She's doing the same with you. Bed time can get awfully crowded.
There's more than one fish in the sea. If, after giving it a decent try, a woman is not right, find another that is closer to right.
Remember the Law of Karma. And, remember that the Law of Karma is a law, not a rule. You can't break it. If you do something bad to somebody, something equally bad will happen to you. You are yourself the policeman, judge and jury, and you know very well if you've broken the law, and just exactly how much you should be punished. You can't get out of this one. Be kindly, be thoughtful, try to spare her feelings any way you can. You tried to find a lover, but she just wasn't the one. Don't keep a woman on the line just to make yourself feel more manly. Don't lead her on.
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