The Lover  (Contd.)

Secrecy and Privacy

Do not keep a part of your life secret from or mysterious to her.

Do not cut her out of part of your life. Encourage her participation in things that you are interested in, but do not insist. She will participate to the extent that she wants to and no more, unless you insist. Do not insist.

Do not intrude into parts of her life into which you have not been invited. Do not demand a share in all aspects of her life. Give her some elbow room.

Do not demand that she share all your interests.

Do not make her life miserable with your interests. Televised sports can become obtrusive. Do not make her a (your interest here) widow. An annual hunting expedition is one thing, but if you do something that excludes her once a week or more, you're playing with fire.

Women want to have their way. Let them have it. It won't do you any good to try and stop them, anyway. It will only create resentment and anger.

Don't make her do things that she doesn't like to do.

Even if you don't like doing some things with her that she likes, do them anyway and with a good grace.

Let her have her secrets. Do not pry.

Respect her privacy. Never look in a woman's purse. If she wants you to get something from it for her, hand her the purse. The purse is a significant Freudian metaphor; the term "pocketbook," is often used as a euphemism for the female privates. Obviously, that is and should be a private thing to her. Never look in her lingerie drawer. Never look in a woman's private areas of the house. If you find a package or box that you don't recollect, leave it alone.

Do not let others use her possessions without her knowledge and permission. Do not suggest that others should use them. If she wants to share something, she will bring it up herself. Do not betray a confidence. Keeping secrets between you builds trust.

Do not casually discuss intimate details of your relationship with any third party. Professional therapy is an exception to this, as is any sincere effort between mutual friends to discover what may be a problem area within your relationship.

Accept that she has a life outside your relationship. Without you around, she may be a rather different person. Do not resent this or try to change it.

Criticism

Anyone who studies our actions carefully, always finds in them various shortcomings. And this is because Nature, being fond of variety in this as in other matters, has made one man sensible in regard to one thing and another in regard to something else. So, since one person knows what another does not, and is ignorant of what another understands, we find that everyone all too easily perceives his neighbor's error and not his own, and we all think we are very wise, perhaps most of all in regard to things about which we are most foolish.

-- The Courtier, Book One

. . . for indeed we are all instinctively more prone to condemn mistakes than to praise what is well done, and it seems that, out of some kind of innate malice, many men, even when they see what is clearly good, strive with all their might and main to find fault or at least what looks like a fault.

-- The Courtier, Book Two

You get a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar. If she's doing something you don't like, be careful in your criticisms. It is better to remain silent, and better yet is to encourage and praise the things that you do like.

Never criticize her in public.

Do not make comparisons between the woman you're with and any other woman. Do not discuss other women in a sexual sense. Do not discuss your past lovers.

Keep her from making mistakes. Tell her before someone else does. It is better to hear a correction from one you love than from a stranger. Worst of all is to realize your mistake after it's too late. Don't expect to be thanked. She may be annoyed at you, but will be very angry if you allowed her to make a fool of herself. Illustrations: If she has lipstick on her teeth, tell her. If her dress is unzipped or a button has been missed, discretely zip, button or give her your coat.

If you make her make a mistake, you will pay for it forever. Illustration: She may be wearing the entirely wrong clothes for an occasion, which may result from your not having told her the exact nature of the event. Do not expect that she will automatically know that "a little get-together with friends," is actually a fairly fancy cocktail party, or that "a barbecue" is really a formal garden party. If she shows up in jeans and a t-shirt, and all the other women are wearing summery dresses and big hats, informal jewelry and heels, you are a dead man. If there's even one single woman on the jury, she will walk out scot free.

. . . many women have been the cause of countless benefits to men, and have often corrected their errors.

-- The Courtier, Book Three

If she tells you publicly to stop doing something, stop. Do not make her repeat herself.

Now you shall understand, there was in Verona, a bishop, who was a wise man; learned and of singular good wit by nature, whose name was Giovanni Matheo Giberti. Among the many good parts that were in him, he was very courteous and liberal to all gentlemen and noblemen who came into his house, not with over much pomp and cost, but with convenient entertainment and measure, such as was seemly to a man of the clergy.

It chanced in his time, a noble gentleman called Count Richard passed that way, to spend a few days with the bishop and his household together: which was very well furnished with honest gentlemen and very well learned.

And by cause thy found him a noble gentleman, courteous and well behaved, they praised him much and made much of him, save that one unmannerly fashion they much disliked in him.

When the Bishop was advised of it, consulting with some of his associates about it (as he was a wise man in all his doings) they immediately concluded that it should be necessary to let the Count have knowledge of it: though they feared they should offend him.

Upon this, the Count taking his leave, and ready to ride away the next morning, the Bishop called upon one of his servants to him (a man of good discretion) and gave him in charge to take his horse and bear the Count company some part of his way, and when he found it appropriate, to tell him straightforwardly what they had determined between themselves.

The gentleman who had this responsibility was a man well stricken in years, very learned and pleasant, well-spoken, comely, and had much frequented in his time the courts of great Princes, who was and is called Galateo, at whose request I first took in hand and set forth this present treatise.

Riding with the Count, he found him pleasant and talkative enough, and passing from one matter to another, when he thought it time to return to Verona, in taking leave at parting, with a gentle and cheerful countenance, he said to him: "Sir Count, my Lord gives you many thanks for the honor you have hone him, in that it has pleased you to bestow on his poor house: and that he may not be unthankful, for this your great courtesy shown unto him, he has given me this task, that I must leave a present with you on his behalf: and he sends it to you with earnest request, that you would please take it as worthy: and this is the gift.

You are a goodly gentleman, and the best mannered man my Lord has even seen: so that very carefully observing your behavior, and particularly considering them all, he finds none that is not comely and acceptable, only one unseemly trick excepted, which you make with your lips and mouth together, eating your food with a certain strange noise, unpleasant to all men that hear it.

This my Lord willed me to tell you, and prays you to endeavor yourself to leave it, and withal to accept in lieu of a better present this loving admonition and council of his. For he is sure there is none in the world that would make you the like gift."

The Count (that never knew of his fault until now), hearing himself reproved, changed his countenance a little, but (as a courageous man) taking heart, he said, "Tell your Lord, that if all the gifts that men are accustomed to give each other, were such as this, men should be much more rich than they are. And for his great courtesy and liberality to me, give him many thanks, I pray you, and let him be sure, I will not fail from henceforth to mend my fault, and God be with you."

Il Galateo

If she tells you that you are doing something wrong, it is likely for your own good. Though you may not be pleased to hear it, it is true friendship that leads her to do so.

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